


Resemblance (SFW)

by kawaiizard



Category: Shall We Date?: Obey Me!
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Explicit Language, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:21:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27961448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kawaiizard/pseuds/kawaiizard
Summary: Mammon asks GN!MC for a favor... and the results are not what anyone expected.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 36





	Resemblance (SFW)

*******

[ **_kawaiizard's original post on tumblr_ ** ](https://kawaiizard.tumblr.com/post/636956373942452224/hiya-id-like-to-request-this-is-my-fake-mother)

*******

**Mammon x GN!MC (they/them) ft. all the bros!**

**SFW**

**CW: explicit language' humor; crackfic?**

*******

“Why,” you asked, staring blankly at Mammon, “are you wearing a wig?”

Mammon stood in front of the full-length mirror in his room, twisting and turning to get a better look at the monstrous, orange wig he was wearing

Belphegor happened to be walking by at that exact moment.

“Wig?” he asked groggily as he poked his head in the door.

“Yeah,” you nodded, indicating ~~the Garfield~~ wig on Mammon’s head.

“Why-” Belphie started.

“I don’t know.”

“Be right back.” He disappeared in the hall.

“I think I'll be able to dye it... Oi,” Mammon called to you. “Bring me the clippy-thing, would ya? In the bag there.”

You found a plastic shopping bag on the side table. You grabbed it and rifled through it as you walked over.

“Is this a _curling iron?”_ you asked, baffled.

“Shuddup,” Mammon mumbled. “Just gimme the damn thing.”

You pulled out the 'clippy thing' and handed it over; it was a big, shiny, gold barrette. Mammon attempted to shove it into ~~Garfield’s butt~~ the wig but it fell out immediately.

“Let me help.” You inserted the barrette properly where he wanted it. “So what’s all this?” you asked lightly.

Belphie returned with Satan in tow.

“Oh good, Mammon’s finally taking care of that mop on his head,” Satan grinned as he came up to the open doorway.

“Like you’re one to talk,” Belphie muttered.

“I owe this guy a few bucks, but he doesn’t trust me too much,” Mammon said, ignoring them. “So that’s where you come in!”

“Me?” you asked dubiously.

“I was gonna come talk to ya when I got home earlier,” Mammon hedged.

“Ahh,” you said. “So what can I do to help?”

Mammon scratched at his head nervously and a pleading smile appeared on his handsome face. “Pretend to be my mom?” 

Beel, who had also appeared in the doorway at some point, choked on his granola bar.

_“What?”_ Belphie sputtered.

“Why?” you asked.

“Collateral.”

“Whoa whoa,” said Satan angrily, “Why the _hell_ are you talking about _collateral?”_

“It’s not what you think,” Mammon said.

“Okay wait,” you said. “Explain from the top because I think I’m lost…”

“I owe Steven money-” Mammon began.

“Shocker,” Belphie muttered to Satan.

“-but Steven doesn’t trust that I won’t pull somethin’ if I go to meet ‘im in person. I was gonna ask if ya’d like to pretend to be my mother and hand over the payment for me.” Mammon said to you while glaring openly at Belphie.

“Hold on,” said Asmodeus, piping up from ~~Narnia~~ nowhere, “why do you have such a _hideous_ wig on your head? And why do they have to pretend to be your _mother_ of all things?”

Mammon ignored the first question completely and said, “‘Cuz that’s who I told Steven would be there for me.” He said it as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“But you don’t have a mother,” Beel said.

“Which is why I need MC,” Mammon answered.

“And why do you need to 'use MC as collateral' exactly?” Satan murmured, his green eyes livid.

“If the peanut gallery would just hold on for a _damn sec,_ I’ll get to that.” Mammon growled.

“Who’s using MC as collateral?” came Lucifer’s smooth voice from the hall.

“Oi vey,” Mammon muttered, slapping a palm to his forehead.

Lucifer leaned his head around Belphie, Beel, Satan, and Asmo to peer into Mammon’s room. He took one look at the bright orange wig still balanced precariously on top of Mammon’s head... and pressed his lips together in an effort not to die laughing at the sight.

“It’s not what you think,” Mammon said again sheepishly.

“It never is,” said Lucifer with considerable restraint.

~~~

“I can’t believe you actually signed off on this,” you grumbled twenty minutes later in Lucifer’s study.

“Normally I wouldn’t have, seeing as you’re a human and the people Mammon runs with are decidedly _not,_ but Satan and Beel volunteered to go with you. You should be fine.”

“That’s not the point,” you muttered.

“Oh?” Lucifer raised a sleek brow.

“I don’t even look like Mammon!”

Lucifer’s lips quirked. “We have ways around that.”

“Huh?”

Lucifer pulled a small, corked vial from his waistcoat pocket and set it on the desk between you. “This should take care of it. Grab one hair from Mammon’s head and hold it in your left palm when you drink it. You’ll have an hour before the effects wear off.”

“Is this some kind of _Harry Potter_ thing?” you asked warily.

Lucifer blinked.

“Nevermind,” you mumbled, snatching up the potion and rising to leave.

“Oh, and MC,” Lucifer added on your way out the door. You looked back, curious.

“I want photos.”

~~~

It was cool and crisp outside when you, Mammon, and Beel piled into the monstrous white Jeep sitting in the oversized drive. Satan hauled himself into the driver seat, cranked the stereo to full volume, then peeled out of the driveway and into the night with a rubbery screech of his tires.

Mammon provided shouted directions to Satan over the pounding heavy metal, and after about fifteen minutes, it was nearing time for you to take the ~~polyjuice~~ potion. You tapped Beel on the shoulder and he turned the stereo down, much to Satan’s further annoyance. 

“What will that stuff do to you?” Beel asked, turning his head around to face you from the front passenger seat. You sat in the back with Mammon, as you were both considerably smaller and shorter than Beel and he needed all the room he could get…

"It'll make me look related to Mammon, I hope,” you replied.

“Do you know what’s in it?” Beel asked.

“Nope.”

“Did Lucifer even tell you the _name_ of that potion?” Satan asked. He’d been positively seething with pent-up rage at the situation since he'd left Mammon's room earlier. One, Mammon was an idiot for getting you involved in this. Two, Satan was pissed that he hadn’t even been consulted from the beginning; if you’re going to plan anything, you’d better plan it _right._

“Nope,” you repeated.

“Well, now I have _two_ idiots on my murder list tonight… I’d really rather you didn’t drink it.”

“I agree,” said Beel.

“I doubt Lucifer would give something _that_ dangerous to me,” you said. “He’d have to answer to Diavolo anyway, and it wouldn’t be worth the paperwork.”

You heard Satan grind his teeth in answer.

“Relax, it’ll be fine,” Mammon piped up from the seat next to you. “Smooth as water.”

“If anything bad happens to MC, _I’m coming after you last,"_ Satan snarled.

Mammon wisely shut up after that.

“Hair please,” you requested. Mammon yanked a few strands out and laid them gently in your outstretched palm. You pulled the vial out from your pocket and removed the cork with your teeth.

Holding Mammon’s hair in your left palm just like Lucifer told you to, you shrugged and said, “Bottoms-up!”

~~~

The deal went rather smoothly, all things considered, even if Beel had to get rough with a trollish-looking goon for a sec. You were grateful to have him there with you.

And Satan too; he handled the transaction on your behalf, saying quietly to you, “I’ll be damned if you fall further into danger than you already are.” The irony of that statement was lost to him in his anger, but you nodded in relieved thanks, now just the “face” of the operation at this point.

Apparently you looked _very well_ like Mammon, because when the three of you hopped back in the car to drive back to the House, Mammon whistled as Satan pulled the Jeep onto the main road.

“At least ya know where yer good genes came from,” Mammon said smugly.

“Har-har,” you said with a roll of your now-Mammonesque eyes. “Got a mirror?”

“Duh,” Mammon said, tossing you a compact.

You peered at your reflection, amazed at the change. Your hair was long and flowy and very pale, and your skin had taken on Mammon’s beautiful bronzed hue. Not to mention the _large and bouncy_ assets you had grown; they jiggled every time Satan hit a bump, and Mammon and Beel were finding it increasingly difficult to look away.

“Wow, I really do look like I could be your mom," you said.

“No kidding,” said Beel with a laugh.

"Hey, stop hittin' on my mom!" Mammon swatted Beel's shoulder with a grin.

“At least there’s no side-effects so far,” Satan said tiredly.

Then your stomach burbled something fierce.

“You may have spoken too soon,” you said in a reedy, nervous voice.

_“...sonofabitch…”_ Satan sped back to the House as fast as his concern for you would allow, his fury radiating in waves from him the entire ride.

~~~

Levi sat quietly in the kitchen drinking a can of pop when the front door ~~exploded~~ banged open.

“LUCIFER WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU-” Satan’s voice carried through the cavernous mansion like a sonic boom. Levi ambled into the entry hall in time to see the blond’s lean form race up the elegant staircase and out of sight, evidently on the warpath.

Beelzebub hustled in next, supporting a very ill-looking Mammon through the doorway. Mammon’s usually cheerful face was drawn and noticeably pale, and his tan hand was pressed weakly against his stomach. And hot on Beel’s heels through the door was… another Mammon?

Levi did a double-take.

“Um, what’s going on…?” Levi asked nervously to no one in particular. Not-ill Mammon came over with the biggest foot-in-mouth expression Levi had ever seen.

“Levi, this is my fake mother.”

Somewhere in the distance, a camera _clicked._

***** THE END *****

_**Epilogue:** _

You ended up surviving, thank fuck for _that._

Satan ~~stopped torturing~~ did not kill Lucifer, once Lucifer admitted to the true harmlessness of the potion. The only real side effect of _holding too many hairs_ was simply a full-out doppelganger effect instead of just _resemblance…_

...and then of course there was the ~~insane~~ expected amount of ~~soul-wrenching farts~~ flatulence that _'unfortunately accompanied all such complex potions.'_

_"At least that's what Diavolo told me,"_ Lucifer had sworn. Only time determined that he was ~~not the father~~ telling the truth.

When Beel told you it was the multiple hairs that you messed up on, you facepalmed so hard.

Mammon managed to escape Satan's now-slightly-lessened rampage for about two days... until a mighty shriek echoed across the Devildom... and that was that.

But exactly why Lucifer wanted to use this potion on you, the world may never know...

***** THE END FOR REAL *****

~~P.P.S. It’s for his scrapbook.~~


End file.
